Fears, Doubts, and Insecurities

Along this journey there are so many fears and doubts and insecurities that I think all of us have dealt with or are dealing with right now.  When I first started I afraid I would not lose weight.  And during the first few months when I didn't it was like my fear was being realized.  Don't give up.  That's what I told myself constantly.  And soon the weight did start coming off.  During the course of my weight loss there were days where I was super scared and doubtful about reaching my goal weight.  I figured that I would do something to derail my progress.  I had so much weight to lose that there were times where it seemed daunting.  But I took it one day at a time.  I tried to look at just losing 5 pounds at a time.  From 280 to 275 to 270, really just trying to focus on the last number 0s and 5s.  Don't pay any attention to the two hundred hiding behind the curtain.  Breaking the pounds up into smaller numbers really made a difference.  It makes it seem much more manageable.  And before I knew it, I had lost 50 pounds, then I was in the 1-derlands, and next thing I had made my goal weight. 
 
There were also lots of doubts.  I was doubtful that I would be able to change my lifestyle.  But I didn't give myself a choice.  And I was so tired of feeling bad about myself.  Through the doubts I told myself that I was doing this no matter what.  Then I worried when it seemed like I wasn't making any progress with my weight loss.  That's where measurements come in.  When you first start working out I encourage you to take your measurements.  And each month record your progress.  You will see the inches come before the pounds do and it will keep you from getting discouraged.  Another thing I did was make a weight loss chart. For every pound I lost I got to cross it off the chart.  It's very satisfying.  And it's an easy way to track your progress.

And of course I was extremely dubious that I would be able to do very much exercising.  Due to my obesity my knee hurt all the time, but I pushed through the pain.  I was scared that I wouldn't be able to do certain exercises.  What you do is modify.  For instance push ups.  Start doing them against the wall, then as you get stronger, you progress to doing them on your knees, and you get even stronger and you move to doing them on your toes.  It's possible.  I started doing push ups at the beginner level, against the wall, and now I can do them on my toes.  Not perfectly because I'm still working on it.  Remember this though, please don't rely on just modified exercises.  You need to push yourself.  I was surprised at what my body could do, all I had to do was try.   

Now that I'm at my goal weight there are a whole new set of fears and doubts.  Can I maintain this weight?  I'm still learning about maintenance.  And I'll probably have several months of yo-yoing.  Like I told my husband though I can't expect to weigh 150 pounds every day for the rest of my life.  I figure that if I can stay between 145-155 then I'll be doing pretty good.  A big huge fear is gaining all the weight back.  And honestly I can see where people can develop eating disorders.  I admit I'm a little bit scared of food.  I know there are lots of people who find comfort in food. For me there is some comfort, but at the same time it scares me as well.  I know where bad food can take me.  And I don't ever want to go there again.  I watch a program on the TLC channel called My 600 Pound Life.  For those of y'all that don't watch it, it's about people who weigh hundreds of pounds and then they get weight loss surgery.  The show is based over 12 months of their lives.  The doctor who performs the surgery said in one episode that it's not uncommon for a few of his patients to develop an eating disorder.  There was one girl who you could tell was going down that path.  In a followup show, it was revealed that for a whole year after her surgery she refused to eat anything, just had protein shakes for every meal.  Scary.  I don't see myself going that way, because I really do like to eat.  When it's time to have breakfast, lunch, or dinner and I haven't eaten yet I get hangry.  Find yourself a support group, it's key.  People you can talk to.  That's one of the main reasons I love my fitness sisters so much.  They understand the journey I'm on.  We are all in the same boat.  Don't be scared to reach out.  I also have a great support group online.  On Facebook and fatsecret.  I have mentioned fatsecret before.  It really helped me.  It still helps me.  Lots of great support and encouragement.  Shout out to all my fellow fatsecret warriors!  Also you need family support.  They are the ones who are going to be with you day in and day out.  My doctor told me at the beginning, that I HAD to make them understand that this was my new lifestyle.  He told me that with out meaning to they could sabotage me.  And I did have a nice long talk with them.  Once I had to get after my husband.  He had taken our daughter out for ice cream 3 nights in a row.  And I lost it.  I told him that part of the reason I was doing this was to set an example for her.  I didn't want her to grow up and find herself at my age and weight. After that was when he realized just how serious I was about my new lifestyle and was much more considerate and understanding. 

 
I suppose the biggest insecurity that I have to face is the same no matter weight I am at.  Body image.  Before it was having people stare at me.  I always had very big thighs and especially calves.  To where I had a terrible time finding pants that would fit.  Most of the time I wore warm ups or loose fitting yoga pants.  Forget about wearing shorts in the summer.  Now that I have lost the weight, loose skin is another thing that I deal with.  I do have it on my arms, legs, and tummy.  But I expected it.  I started at 280, and I had 130 pounds to lose to get to my goal.  That's like an entire person, so I knew I was going to have droopy skin.  My doctor told me once I would need a tummy tuck, but at the time it wasn't something that I worried about.  I just wanted to get to a healthy weight and maintain that healthy lifestyle.  I told my husband that maybe some time in the future I might think about removing it, if it's not too expensive.  Which I'm sure it is, I don't think our insurance will see it as a necessity.  So in the end I try very hard to not let it bother me.  It's proof that I made a wonderful change in my life and that I have accomplished my goals.  If you think about it, loose skin is better than it being all filled up with fat.  Like it was before.  Would I like to get it removed?  Sure.  If I had the choice, and the money, I would get it done.  I'm super curious as to how my body looks after all the work I have done.  Is it a priority?  Not really.  I read blog post that really sums up my feelings about loose skin.  http://imperfectlife.net/ilovemyuglybody/   Take the time to read it, she really does hit the nail on the head.  She inspired me to put my pictures on here.  And what she says is so true, I can do things now that were not possible at 280 pounds.  I can do push ups, planks, squats, PiYo, jog, and the quality of life is so much better.  Loose skin kinda seems like a small price to pay for all I have gained.  And I know this, I would much rather have all my loose skin then to go back to this:

NEVER AGAIN!!!!  Whenever fears and doubts and insecurities start creeping in all I have to do is look back at the old pictures and I banish those thoughts quick, fast, and in a hurry.